Partly I'm lousy today because I am in that reality state of being where I am starting to get terrified. Rob and I are going to be adopting a son in a few short weeks.
Okay - you knew that and I know that but... oh, how it is hitting me. He's almost six years old. He's disabled. He has spent his entire life in either an orphanage or a mental institute. He doesn't speak English. Oh my gracious! 'What if's' are assaulting me. What if he is so developmentally behind that we can't reach him. What if he is disabled beyond what we can handle. What if he doesn't like us. What if we don't like him. What if...
That's where I am. Scared. Hanging on for dear life that since it was God who brought Aaron into our lives, then He will not abandon us in the long-term. The battle to GET Aaron is only the beginning. We can't send Aaron back. He's going to be our son for better or worse. We had no idea what we were going to get when our boys were born. They are not perfect and our life has not been a romance since the Lord entrusted them to us. But we treasure them. Every part of them. Their strengths AND their weaknesses.
In my deepest heart I know that I will treasure Aaron too. Not the romance version. Not the pretty picture with the dimples. The real Aaron. The Aaron that may not walk. The Aaron that may throw fits. The Aaron that may not learn easily. The Aaron that may not smile or easily shake off six years of institutional life. The Aaron that will need to learn what love is. The Aaron that can't speak English. The Aaron that may act strangely at first and may not stop acting strangely for a very long time. The Aaron that will have to learn to be a part of our family. I know that we will come to treasure him. All his quirks. All his disabilities. We will come to love and treasure him.
It won't happen overnight. We read too many blogs to know that the first weeks/months are hard. It is the rare adoption where the picture matches the child. Most families have to learn to love the child. We know we will be shocked and even dismayed in those first weeks. We will all be disoriented as we try to assimilate a six year old disabled child from another country who doesn't speak our language or understand our rules into our well-established home.
So for today - I am a bit scared. Rob is too. We are not looking back but we are being honest. We jumped off a cliff in January and continue to free fall into the arms of the only ONE who can bring us in for a safe landing! It is scary.
Continue to pray for us. Please continue to pray for Aaron.
I jumped off that cliff two years ago, and here I am back again. Jumping again. Hope that encourages you. You are smart to be scared, and to be honest. I'd be more worried about you if you weren't! :)
ReplyDeleteThis must be the day for blog honesty. I went through the "what if's" after I got my appointment date too. As Lyndi said "Up to this point it's been a good idea but now it's real". I can only say that I understand.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are being honest about this. I think it's high time I start being honest too. I'm scared for you guys. I want it all to be perfect but I know it won't be. So I'll just pray. and wait. and bite my nails...
ReplyDeleteAnd He Understands - and Leads you on! May that be precious beyond words but the strength of the God of the Universe for you to tap into...and the Shalom in it's fullest meaning...not just a feeling of peace but the fullness of God's good intentions for wholeness and rest...and on and on and on...for all 5 of you!! Prayers, sis! : )
ReplyDeleteOkay, friend, so I'm totally smiling--what I would not give to have you come back and sit here in my living room so that we can have a chat--and I can tell you that every feeling you are experiencing is sooooooo NORMAL! I know everyone will tell you the same thing. But it's true. We ALL feel those feeling. We all wonder just how things are going to work out when we meet our adopted children. Adoption is NOT for the faint of heart!
ReplyDeleteKnow that you are not alone--you have friends here to hold up your arms in the battle and push you forward toward the finish line.
Keep running....you're getting there. It is going to be wonderful. I know it :)
Praying for you that you would know God's presence there in the midst of your fears. Praying you would know His strength when you are feeling weak. Praying that you would be filled with His love - to overflowing.
ReplyDeletePraying for you sweet Julia!
Blessings
Leslie
Oh - that fear! I didn't ever feel it until the last minute. But then it was a wave of panic attack that nearly incapacitated me. It is fear of change, most of all, for me. But, once I'm on my way, of course it is all right!!! Even when it isn't all right, from any logical viewpoint (all those challenges and troubles you mention), it IS all right because, as you say, the Lord is in command. He will help you through it all, and you will grow spiritually... But, my experience has been that nothing, nothing surpasses the joy of allowing His love to pour through you onto one of His little ones. EVEN when it's hard.
ReplyDeleteI know you already know this, but remember that if God gives you a child (via birth or adoption) He will give you the grace and resources you need to parent that child in a way that pleases Him. It might not be pretty at times, but neither was the cross, and that's what bought our adoption and made us a part of God's family. Praying for the peace of God fill your hearts and minds.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was freaked out about our adoption, I'd sing the Hillsongs song that says, "The same power that conquered the grave lives in me... Your love that rescued the earth lives in me." Seriously, can you be any more prepared than just really being full of the power and love of God?! You'll be just fine!