Trench Work

If you watch Little Orphan Annie or Oliver Twist you get the impression that adoption is a romantic, whimsical fairytale.  A wonderful benefactor swoops in and rescues a child from a life of misery, providing them the desires of their hearts and everyone lives happily ever after.  It's a great feel-good story.  It makes for great movies, books and blog readings.

 

I'm a sap. I love those kinds of stories. I love watching whimsical movies and reading books about rescued orphans and following blogs during the adoption process.  I love when misery is erased and happy ever after ensues.

 

But here's the truth.  Adoption isn't whimsical.  It's not romantic.  It's messy.  It involves brokenness and loss.  It's about motherless and fatherless children (despite many of those children having biological mothers and fathers still living). It's about rejection and neglect. It involves torn families and separated siblings.  Adoption is an acknowledgement that a child has lost something precious.

 

We wish we could say now that John is home, we are living the happy ever after.  We wish.  In reality we are in the hardest part. The trench work.  The part where you take a child who has experienced brokenness and loss and you help them find healing and hope within the security of a family. Our son came to us after spending almost 11 years in an institution.  His entire understanding of how relationships work is based upon his relationships with the children and caretakers in his institution.  It's a warped understanding. It brings with it gross misconceptions and behaviors and attitudes that need to be changed.  This doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't take place without trauma.  It's trench work.  It's exhausting and confusing for everyone involved. On top of that is the language barrier and with it the struggle to communicate to a traumatized child during the hardest adjustment of their lives.

 

A few years ago I wrote a post titled THE LIST. I wrote it after being in the trenches with Aaron. I'm reading it again as I sit here in the trenches with this newest son of ours. I need the reminders on there.  I need others to read THE LIST who know us in real life so that they have a clue what we are going through. Trench work is not pretty and there have been many days in the last three weeks when we have looked at each other and wondered what we have done.  I've struggled with doubt, fear, insecurity and everything else that comes with parenting a little boy who doesn't speak my language and who is testing every single solitary boundary there is.

 

His first days out were a nightmare. Our mature talking 10 year old Ukr*I*n who had charmed everyone's socks off all his life became a toddler on steroids with us once we walked him out of those gates. He reverted to baby behavior but with the deviousness of a 10 year old. We are still recovering from that shock. He's smart and manipulative and quick to figure out angles and knows how to work us both and is so darn cute and desperate for us to love him despite his crazy behavior right now.

 

 

 

 We have had to come to terms with the reality that right now he needs us to see him as a toddler and treat him accordingly.  We've had to set strict boundaries of what he can and can't do. He needs constant supervision.  He is learning all about time-in on Mama's chair next to her computer. He is learning that no in this family truly means no. He is learning that here in our house he takes turns, shares, sometimes loses and cannot have everything he wants. He is learning that if he turns his nose up at the food we provide then he can't have ice cream and Oreos 15 minutes later. These are HARD lessons!!

It's not easy. Not for John and not for everyone else in the family. In the same way that a newborn baby changes all the family dynamics, adoptions affect family relationship across the board. We are struggling to come to terms with our new normal. We haven't figured it all out yet which makes this phase a bit messy and frustrating for everyone.  Aaron is feeling the change probably the hardest as he is having to share his favorite Papa in the world.  He likes order and routine and adding a new brother has been anything but orderly.

 

 

Despite everything though, we love our newest son who was God's choice for our family and who is going to push us beyond what we thought we could do. He's a precious boy, ornery but precious. I love holding him in my lap and cuddling him and he soaks up those times. I love holding his hand when we are walking together and I love when he reaches out to be picked up and held.  We are committed to go through thick and thin with him behavior issues, medical issues and all!! 

He's very much worth digging in the trenches!

 

 

 

 

For those who know us in real life, please read THE LIST. For those who are themselves in the trenches, you should read it too.  If you are adopting, or thinking of adopting please check it out!

 

THE LIST