Stealing Joy

I am a stay at home Mom.  I am with my children 24/7.  I am at their beck and call whenever they need me.  I not only take them to their activities, I volunteer at most of them.  I wash their clothes, feed them, care for them.  I take care of their medical needs.  I homeschool them.  I clean up after them.  On paper I look good.  I look like I am doing everything right.  I could easily pat myself on the back. 

I can't.  I know the truth.

I am not only a stay at home Mom but I also work from home.  I sit at the computer from before sun up to past sun down.  I have deadlines that have to be met.  I have responsibilities that I can't shirk.  I not only work from home but I am a teacher at a Co-op.  I have curriculum to write.  Papers to grade.  Other children who need me.  I have a to-do list that is long and wearisome.  I have a passion for special needs kids across the ocean that can't be quenched just because my inbox is overflowing.

But I do have a husband who carries much of my load.   I do have boys who help clean and cook and do laundry.  I do have a dad next door who is forever doing this or that to help us out and who willingly and lovingly spends hours with Aaron every week.  I have been given much.  But too often, in my selfishness, I overlook what I have been given and focus only on my agenda.

And I have hurt my kids because of it.  I DO for them all the time but it is often not the DOING that they want.  They want ME.  They want me to stop, listen, BE WITH THEM. 

On Saturday night I was focused solely and completely on getting a deadline met.  Rob was spending quality time with Ben and Elijah.  I had Aaron.  But I wanted to get my deadline met.  I didn't want to sit in his room and build puzzles.  My computer was more important than building blocks.  My job was more interesting than playing hide and go seek.  So I cheated.  I gave him challenges.  The build this puzzle and call me when you are done kind of cheating.  He was happy to oblige.  I ran up and down the steps.  Dividing my time between work and child.  Each time he accomplished a task, I ran up the steps, praised him, gave him another.  I was buying time until golden hour.  Bedtime.  When it came I ran upstairs.  Aaron was hiding.  I called for him to come so we could do the bedtime routine.  I was in a hurry.  He stayed hidden.  I didn't want to play.  It was not on MY agenda.  So I cleaned his room, picked out books to read and tried to bribe him to come out of hiding.  He wanted me to come find him.  In his usual hiding place.  My closet.  But time was precious so I set out his clothes and yelled for him to come so WE COULD READ BOOKS.  I wanted the points for doing the Mommy thing.  The books were required.  Hide and go seek was not.  He came.  Bottom lip out.  Shoulders slumped.  Brush teeth.  Bathroom.  Pj's.  Book reading.  Kiss and prayers and little boy tucked in bed.  I got my deadline met.  But at a price.

I did all the proper Mommy things but in the end.... I stole my son's joy.  He wanted to be found.  I wanted to work.  He wanted to laugh.  I wanted to rush through the process.  He wanted Mommy to pay attention to him.  Though I took care of his needs - I missed him.

I have to confess.  I do this a lot.  I am often guilty of stealing joy from my kids.  In my fervor to get done with a project that eats at me day after day, I have stolen precious moments from my boys.  Not by NOT being there for them but by NOT giving them 100% of me.  The allure of the computer and the project has robbed my kids of me.  Rob is so much better at balancing work and play.  He WILL stop and give them his undivided attention.  He takes the time to play the silly games Aaron enjoys.  He patiently listens when Ben and Elijah storm into his work area and share their day.  He models how I need to be around my children.  My husband puts me to shame.

I don't want to steal joy from my children.  I don't want my agenda to be so important that though I maintain a nice appearance on the outside, in reality I am robbing my kids of what is precious.  Mom time.  Undivided attention.  I want to be WITH my kids.  100% with them.  I don't want to be torn between work and family.  I am ashamed when I consider how often I have stolen joy from the three boys whom I love with all my heart.

I don't have a solution.  I don't have a quick fix.  I didn't write this for any other reason than the fact that the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of my sin and the reality that I need to change.  This is my confession.  My acknowledgement to my family that I've been wrong.  My commitment to change. 

Thanks for listening.