They Trained Him Well

They trained him well.

 

Our little son who spent 6 years in two different institutes.

 

 

They trained him to stay put when they placed him in bed.

 

No getting up.

 

Ever.

 

They trained him so well that four years home he still worries, agonizes.

 

The bathroom is close and he has learned that he can go when he needs to but it is still scary and part of him is still afraid, four years later, that he will be caught out of bed.  So he sneaks.  Quietly.  When he needs to go.  Hoping it is okay. 

 

They trained my son well.  So well that when his older brother is in the bathroom and he needs to go, he lays in bed with tears streaming.  So well trained that all he can do is call for me.  Beg me to come.  Afraid to come to my room to use our bathroom without permission.  It is too far and the consequences embedded in his brain too scary.

So he calls.  Mama. 

I didn't hear.  I was deeply asleep and missed the call.  Missed his voice. 

 

I slept through his frantic pleas.

 

Thankfully, Papa heard.  Rescued him. 

 

They trained my son well and I want to cry out on his behalf.  Rail against the threatening words spoken to my son for so many years. 

 

He fussed at me in the morning.  Upset that I didn't come to him.  I apologize.  Tell him for the thousandth time he CAN get up.  Children in our family are free to get up when they need to go.  He listens.  Then he apologizes when apologies are not needed.  He apologizes for not remember that about families.  He apologizes for being upset.  Oh Aaron.  Four years home and he is still learning about families and freedom and love.  Four years home and he still worries and struggles that he somehow isn't getting it right. Four years home and he still apologizes even when he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

They trained him well.

 

Too well.

And it breaks my heart.