I want to be honest. Since being over there and seeing what we have seen, I have wrestled with what to do with our knowledge. Where in the world do we go from here? Part of me, the rational, reasonable and exhausted part says I should just let it go. We did our part. We got our boy. Post about Aaron. That is what people what to hear. I should be posting today about Aaron. I have a great one to post. Elijah will fuss at me for not putting it on.
I can't. My heart is too heavy. I write instead posts like this one. I write crazy blog posts like the Sad Reality and Aaron's Nothing and While We because I lay in bed at night and can't get the pictures out of my head. But I am not writing for the multitudes. I know many people are reading my words but that is not for whom I write. I write for me. I write so that I don't forget. I write and Rob writes (all of my meaningful posts are jointly written by the both of us) because we honestly don't know what else we can do. Adoption is not an option for us right now. We are not rich. We aren't being called to move to that country. But...We were there.
We saw sorrow and sadness in the eyes of the boys without mothers. We heard them call out "Mama" to us. We just can't go about our lives without hearing in the deep recesses of our hearts the calls of those boys. They stole our hearts. I write to remember. I write because it spills out of me. I write to relieve the anguish. I write because late at night - the words come. I write because I know where Masha is going. I grieve for her in the depths of my being. It is where Tori is today. It is Heath's home. I write to give them a voice. And there are so many who need that voice. I write because it is my offering to God. My way of praying.
I will post about Aaron on another day. Today - I grieve. Pray. Worry. Wonder. Wait. Too many Lost Boys and too many Lost Girls. Too many.
This is my offering.
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)
I had orientation yesterday for my externship with the Phila Fire Department. The Chief told a great story. He said, in his 15 years on the street, he physically touched about 70,000 people. When he became an instructor, each class had 100 people in it. If each of those paramedics touched 15000 people a year, with in 10 years that's 15,0000 people, 20 years 1.5 million. That's the population of Philadelphia. Just remember Julia, each word you posts, someone reads, that someone refers someone else, talks about it someone else, who in turn tells someone else. Maybe some of those people donated to RR. Maybe some went on to adopt. Alot go on to write blogs and the circle begins again. Your little ripple is reaching out and IS doing something.
ReplyDeleteJulia I feel the same way. My heart has been changed in a radical way. I cannot get the orphans that we as a family have gotten so attached to out of my mind. I can't get Masha out of my mind or the three sweethearts whose lives are dependent on a judges decision. I feel like my world has changed and it will never be the same again. And not everyone understands that. Making a donation and saying a prayer are not enough anymore, not for me anyway. And my husband has gone through the same change. I too was just thinking that this morning I should post about Emilia. I have such a cute video of her dancing, but today I'm just too sad. I couldn't do it.
ReplyDeleteTears :( ....praying for you! Praying so hard...For these children! Scared but ready!
ReplyDeleteJulia, As I have told you before, your posts about the Lost Boys woke me up from my year of concentrating on my own newly expanded family and my new boys and their emotional, physical and medical needs. Not that there is anything wrong with concentrating on your own family, but the world is too big and the need is too great to sit back and think, "I've done my part, I've rescued two orphans, let someone else worry about the rest". When I look at my boys, when I read your posts, when I think of precious boys cleaning potty chairs every day for the rest of their lives, I CANNOT SIT BY AND DO NOTHING. What does it mean for my family? We will try to add one more blessing before she is transferred this year. A decision that was made AFTER reading about the LOST BOYS. After that, who knows. I do know that I am glad that I have others on this journey with me to carry the burdens, share the joys and the sorrows and to lift these angels in prayer every day. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteYour posts, Julie and Rob, are well-crafted offerings to the Abba of all sons and daughters created in His image. he is well-pleased that you continue to turn your faces to Him with both your celebrations of His intervention and your agony and longing for ongoing intervention for yet another precious child.... you are reflecting His heart so well... As I struggled with something just the other day a friend reminded me that even when the nations rage, God can dwell in eternity and the heavenly realm and LAUGH!! His is so much more confident of the redemption that He is working and has accomplished and is applying, than I am. And He laughs not because it is funny, amusing, trivial...somehow even as He draws near to all who are suffering and is Present with them, He can laugh at the futility of the nations that rage, and the people that rage, and the institutions that rage against His glory and goodness. He is and will REDEEM ALL THINGS. he does this as One over time and not bound by it!! And He breaks into time to meet us there and bring glory out of suffering. I can't wrap my small mind around all this but my heart and soul are expanded by it and my faith is deepened even in the agony of it all as He gives me more of Himself. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!
ReplyDeleteI find myself in a similar place, wondering where on earth I'm supposed to go from here... Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone.
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