Thursday, January 5, 2012

Sometimes It's Hard.

Sometimes it's hard.

It's hard to watch my little guy with his little hands that struggle to work.

Sometimes it's hard.

Christmas Day with the guns was one of those times. 

While his brothers and his Papa played freely with the guns at Christmas.

While his cousins after arriving pulled and shot to their heart's delight...

Aaron was left out in the cold.

He couldn't work the gun.

Sometimes it's hard.

I tried to find guns that he could work.  I stood in the store for an hour checking out every one.  Trying hard to fulfill Aaron's desire for a 'shooter gun'.  I thought I had found the perfect gun.  The trigger was loose, it was small and looked easy to manage.

But when we took it out of the box and tested it on Christmas Day we knew it was another fail for Aaron.  He could cock it using his legs and a string around his neck but once the gun was cocked - the trigger tightened.  He could not shoot the gun.

Yes we could shoot it for him while he half-held it.  But it wasn't the same.

So in the midst of our Christmas chaos - with his brothers, his Papa, his cousins enjoying the guns and the darts - our little guy was left out again. 

It stung.

He showed himself no pity though.  Despite the hurt that was nestled deep in his heart - our little guy made the best of a harsh situation.  He laughed.  He cheered.  He collected bullets.  He held the bucket.  He withstood being shot and he stayed in the midst of the battles that raged.  

It humbled me to see my little guy laughing and playing in the midst of the chaos. Finding joy though he was experiencing such loss.  I know few in this world who would stay and play in the midst of such disappointment.  Most would run off and hide.  Rant and rave at what they do not have.  Throw fits and shout angry words at all who would hear.

Aaron stayed.

I was proud beyond words of my little guy who has had so many strikes against him.  I was proud that he didn't walk away.  I was proud of the joy he exuded.  I was proud of my son on Christmas Day.

But I also grieved and my Mama's heart was crying out that just once - just once - I would like to see him be able to play as they are playing.  To enjoy life as they are enjoying life.  To take part as they are taking part.  Sometimes I just wish my little boy had hands that worked.

Sometimes it's hard. 


  1. Oh My!! Praying for your very beautiful heart!!! My heart aches for your son after reading this post!!! Sometime it's hard indeed!!!

  2. Oh, I understand that pain already. I have the same thoughts. Yeah for Aaron for being able to find the fun in what he COULD do.

  3. I have found out how to adapt a nerf gun so it will fire using a switch. You need: a nerf gun, a switch and a battery interrupter.
    Here are instructions to make a battery interrupter:
    Or you can buy one with a switch here:

  4. Can your heart break and swell at the same time? That is how I feel reading this, which I know is only a fraction of what his mommy felt while living it. What a treasure Aaron is!

  5. I understand where you're coming from. While my kids issues are not at all the same as Aaron's, we too understand the hurt of being left out of the fun because of it.

    Maybe someday medical science will find a way to make Aaron's hands work, but until then you just need to figure out how to adapt existing toys and tools to work with his range of movement.

    My daughter just got a nerf gun with a remarkably "soft" trigger that he might be able to use with no modifications... let me see if I can figure out which model...

  6. Can't wait for the Day when he'll be able to do it all.

    He's is one sweet little trooper in the meantime.

  7. Love his heart! He is such love! I know that was hard for you to see, but how proud you must be of him for staying in the mix!


  8. Amen to this post. Bless his sweet heart that he went on with joyful happiness to be involved in the chaos.

  9. I've been thinking on this... Do you think he
    could handle a blow type gun, like a marshmallow shooter similar to this?
    That particular one is designed to accommodate mini marshmallows, which are probably about the same diameter as those darts... You could lengthen the part to blow on, and he could wedge the body of the gun in his armpit.
    PVC marshmallow shooters are ridiculously easy to make and use.

  10. Yep. Christmas Day was like that at our house, too. Isaiah seemed to manage it much better than me. My mommy heart was aching.

    Mom to adopted son with AMC

  11. So sorry for him. A mamma's heart would hurt for him,but you are so right to be proud as well. Many of us would have went to hide. I am a crab (cancer) and I tend to hide or hibernate when I am upset. I am trying to get over it, but am so proud of the little guy who has a right to go hide for staying in there and finding joy where he can. Hope you can find something his little hands can work so he can play like his dad and brothers. Prayers for you and Aaron. God Bless.

  12. I believe it was harder for you to see than it was for Aaron. I believe what he saw was his family. HIS FAMILY. I believe he saw love and laughter and fun all around him, and he knew that right where he was, in the middle of the chaos, was exactly where he wanted to be. He WAS participating. He WAS included. He was with HIS FAMILY! Love you all.

  13. This is why I love Aaron. Because instead of sitting down and pouting, that child does EVERYTHING he can, in his own Aaron way.

  14. tears. aaron, you are one amazing boy. brave and joyful amidst all the fun your family was enjoying. you continue to teach me life lessons.

    i appreciate the comments and suggestions made by your readers. ideas of possible shooters and triggers that just might work for aaron. so glad they shared their thoughts and do hope they (or another adaption) might just be the toy for aaron.

    i also appreciate the comment reminding us what a treasure his family is for aaron. and the blessing of feeling secure in that love.

  15. Thank you for sharing this post Julia.


Loving words from kind people make our hearts glad!