Monday, March 6, 2017

In Our Never Again

We fell in love with her picture over 2 years ago. 

A little girl with boo boos on her knees.

We hadn't been looking but as soon as we saw her we fell head over heels in love.  Our table suddenly became big enough to add in one more.  Our hearts were definitely big enough. But just when we were ready to jump, she disappeared. She was no longer available for adoption.

Days later, another little girl appeared.  A beautiful brown haired little girl with the saddest eyes.  So with joy and excitement, we committed to her.  Our hearts longed to bring her home.  We prayed and waded through the paperwork and raised the money and all the while we worried.  We worried we would lose her.  We worried that someone would snatch her away.  We worried that the door would close in that country of unrest. We worried. 

But it never ever crossed our mind to worry that she would say no.

She was a seven year old little girl.

How could she say no?

Why would she say no?

We loved children. We had a good home and had much to offer her.  We crossed the ocean to get her. We loved her. We wanted her.  We laid our hearts bare before her.

She said no.

Fear. The unknown. Wanting what we could not offer.

She said no.

No. Nyet.

It wrecked us.

I will not lie.

We left that orphanage gasping for breath.  We left with our hearts shattered in a million pieces. 

We clung to the Lord in our grief as we made our way back to the capital to decide what we would do.  We crossed the ocean for a little girl.  Our hearts longed for a little girl. We chose a little boy

It was a Godly choice and the right one.

That didn't make it easy.

Eleven years in an orphanage is hard on a soul. We went from grief to the trenches.

The trenches were deep and in the worst of it we vowed we would never, ever do it again.

Our grief we hid. The hurt too painful and the wounds too tender. We lost a child but there was no funeral. We lost a child who told us no. We lost a child but gained a child. Wasn't that God's plan? Shouldn't we be satisfied?

Yes. No.  We lost a child.

We crossed the ocean and lost a child.

We gained a child.

Days. Months. A year.  More. Grief nipped at us.  The memories of those five days crashing down on us at times.  A hidden loss only the two of us could completely share. 

Never again. We vowed never again.

Never ever ever again.

And here we are.

In our never again.

But not never.

Because God, in His gentle kind way has called us. 

We are risking again.

We have found space for one more.

We are crossing the ocean for a little girl.

Knowing the risks.

Knowing the agony of loss.

No longer naïve.  Moving forward with trembling knees.

We are adopting again.

“Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland."


  1. Wow!! Excited to hear your news. We will be praying!
    Love, the Adamsons

  2. Awe... I remember Mary. She's beautiful! And such a perfect fit for your family. Love ❤️ your family. So much unconditional love and wisdom from within. I'm sure Mary will thrive having 4 older brothers looking out for her. Such a lucky little girl and such an exciting time for you all. Get ready Mama your house is about to get sprinkled with Pixie dust! Sparkle sparkle! ✨✨✨ So exciting!!!

  3. Such exciting and hopeful news! Congratulations to a brave decision! Her photo is really sweet! Will you keep the name Mary?

    (Do you know if that other family who committed to the girl who told you no got a yes from her?)

  4. Very touching! We had a similar experience in some ways. Lost a young girl we wanted to adopt, to her Grandmother. Hoping she is loved and happy! Seeing where God will lead.

  5. I'm holding back the tears. Praise God. We will be praying.

  6. So excited for you. I hope to see her and the rest of your crew this summer! Praying all goes well.

  7. I love you. I love our Abba! I love that He is calling and you are answering. I sensed this is what was coming. God bless you!

  8. Praying for your journey and the sweetness of answering His call.

  9. Thank you for your openness and vulnerability in sharing your grief. It was/is a painful loss for you. And you gained a beautiful gift in John, but that does not cancel out the loss of H. We will be praying as you walk this road of faith and hope. To some degree we understand the fear of walking down a road that may once again lead to loss. We love you and will be in prayer for little Mary and your hearts. - The Leverettes

  10. How exciting and terrifying at the and time!

  11. Julia, your faith is encouraging and challenging. May the Lord bless your going forth and obedience to His call. <3 <3 <3

  12. Beautiful post! Congratulations! Praying for you.

  13. She is precious. Praying for you all, very exciting news!

  14. Praying for Godspeed for your journey and this beautiful daughter!

  15. Congratulations! She is darling!

  16. Oh my goodness!!! I'm crying right now--so very happy for you! What a gorgeous little princess!

  17. Mary is beautiful, and so is your family. So happy for all of you!

    Susan in Kentucky
    Cousin to 2 from U.

  18. So excited for your sweet family. I have been following your journey for so long and remember when this all happened. It is so hard to explain the pain of this kind of loss to others. My children's book "Natasha and the Christmas Wish" will be finished soon and I would love to give you a copy for any giveaways you might do.

  19. Wow... Three words come to mind - Beautiful. Courageous. Faithful.

    We are with you in prayer.

  20. Prayers and Blessings to you and all your family. BB

  21. Julia, I'm so happy for you. She's the same age as my youngest daughter. It's a very precious age!!!

    Sue H.


Loving words from kind people make our hearts glad!