Feeling Wrecked

We didn't buy tickets.

Our bags are only half packed.

We aren't rushing out the door.

We won't see our little one this week.

Court will happen without us.

The mountains we hoped would move yesterday refused to budge on our behalf.

We are home.

Feeling a bit wrecked.

Adoption is hard. You step off a cliff in faith and find yourselves tossed to and fro and around and around to the point where some days you don't know whether you are coming or going.

The very hardest part is how utterly helpless you are most of the time. Filling out the paperwork and gathering the money is about the only part you truly play. After that you are forced to surrender everything into the hands of government workers, social workers, postal workers, facilitators, judges, juries, directors, drivers, more social workers and more government workers.

We've had to surrender a lot this time around.  The process in Mary's country is much harder to predict. After having gone through this twice you would think we would have a handle on all of it, but we are as baffled as if we had never done this before.

We are feeling wrecked this morning.

We can't even express how hard it feels to not get to see our little one this week. We long to hear her voice. We miss her funny expressions and the way she wags her little finger at us. We want to hold her when she falls and carry her in our arms. She's ours. Not yet by order of the court but she is deeply entrenched in our hearts.

It's a difficult Tuesday morning.

It's okay. It comes with the territory. Cliff jumping wrecks you some days.

Our facilitator will stand in our place in court on Thursday. She will explain the whys of our absence.  We will then wait and pray that next Monday mountains will budge. We need approval from a committee that holds our dossier in their hands. We need signatures. We need a new court date.

Today we will rest. Regroup. Cry a bit. Grieve.

Tomorrow we will go back to making lists and plans. Tomorrow we will anticipate schedules and count days. Tomorrow we will pray and then pray some more.

And through it all we will trust in the One who called us on this cliff jumping adventure!